Florist News

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda

__________________
Love, like a river, will cut a new path
whenever it meets an obstacle.

__________________

__________________

> Subject: Who is Jack Schitt?
>
> WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
>
> For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
> We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
> Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
> intellectual way.
>
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
> magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
> one son, Jack.
>
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
> produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
> Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
>
> Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
> school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
> divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
> living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
> as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
>
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
> rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
> children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
> childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
> ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
> Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and
> Horse.
>
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
>
> NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
>
> Sincerely,
> Crock O. Schitt
>

Brill Frizzy thanks for that

__________________

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A king captured three men and told them to go find a fruit and to get ten of them.
The first guy came in with apples, and the king said" If you want to live you have to shove all the fruit up your butt without making any facial expressions or noises." So up goes 1,2 and the first guy made a hurting sound, so the king killed him and he went up to heaven. The second guy came in with berries and the king also told him to shove them up his butt without making any facial expressions or noises. The guy thought that it would be easy since he only had small berries. So up goes 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and the guy busted out laughing. So of course the king had to kill him, and he went up to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven and the first guy says," Why did you laugh, you were so close!". Then the second guy said ," I saw the third guy come in with pineapples!"

__________________
Love, like a river, will cut a new path
whenever it meets an obstacle.

Little Ralphy

Miss Jones the English teacher asked for a show of hands who could think of a word with multi syllabels (spelling) Little Ralphy was the only one to put up his had 'MASTERBATE ' He said Miss Jones said 'MAS TER BATE very good that sure is a mouthful' 'No Miss you are thinking of a blowjob' said little Ralphy

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The difference between guts and having balls............

guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say " you next"