Joke Thread!!!!!

[forgetmenot]

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

[forgetmenot]

The Male Perspective
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules Please note these are all numbered “1 ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it Don’t try to change that
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl If its up, put it down We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done Not both If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
1. Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
1. When we have to go some where, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars
1. You have enough clothes
1. You have too many shoes
1.1 am in shape. Round is a shape.

[Joe Flo]

had a real giggle at these

[kp.florist]

Love that forget me not its great...............oh how my hubby would agree!!!!

[tulips]

not showing my hubby that he would use it as evidence

[pinklily]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But
the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude .. how much
water did you drink?!!"

[pinklily]

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons,round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, stillnnice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree.
In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!''

[Joe Flo]

liked that one pinklily

[kp.florist]

both made me chuckle pinklily...........do love a good joke!!!

[rosemary]

If your lover is overweight,then get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. By the end of the week the fat fxxcker should be 42 miles away!!